


Don't Drink the Skele-Gro

by ChaoticDemon



Category: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling, Psych
Genre: 100 Themes Challenge, Crack, Gen, Hogwarts, I REGRET NOTHING, random popculture references
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2012-10-24
Updated: 2012-10-24
Packaged: 2017-11-16 23:06:15
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 100
Words: 16,959
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/544828
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ChaoticDemon/pseuds/ChaoticDemon
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Shawn and Gus wind up at Hogwarts?</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. 62. Magic

**Author's Note:**

> I can't remember the specific dates every chapter was published, so I'm not going to bother with the backdating on this one. However, for reference, this story was originally completed in February of 2010.

Gus wasn’t quite sure what had happened. In fact, he wasn’t sure he even wanted to know. All he wanted to do was wake up from what had to be a horrible nightmare.  
  
It started out innocently enough. Shawn, in an effort to further convince the entire world that he was psychic, had gone on a shopping spree at the local metaphysical bookstore. In addition to the numerous guides on palmistry, tarot, dream interpretation, and numerology, he had picked up a spell book. Gus had assumed it was written for preteen girls going through one of their numerous phases. At least, he had until Shawn tried out one of the spells.  
  
As he laid on the cold stone floor, looking up at the enchanted ceiling and listening to the surprised wizards chatter on about their sudden appearance, he reprimanded himself for forgetting that anything which involved Shawn forfeited all rights to be normal.


	2. 59. No Way Out

Snape glared.  
  
Gus sighed.  
  
McGonagall frowned.  
  
Dumbledore smiled.  
  
“So you mean we get to stay?” Shawn asked excitedly, enthusiastically helping himself to the lemon drops the Headmaster had offered.  
  
Dumbledore leaned forward in his seat and rested his chin on his entwined fingers, eyes twinkling in amusement. “As it is, we have no way of allowing you to leave. That spell you performed seems to have tied you to this castle. So, yes, you will be staying while we think of a way to remedy this. In the meantime, you will be living in one of the houses and attending classes.”  
  
Somewhere along the far wall, Fawkes gave a feeble squawk and Phineas Nigellus’s portrait muttered something unintelligible.  
  
Shawn squealed.


	3. 89. Through the Fire

Henry sat in front of his lit gas fireplace and checked his watch again before glancing at the rapidly cooling steaks just visible through the kitchen doorway. Shawn was late for dinner. If he didn’t hear from his son by the end of fifteen minutes he was calling all his numbers again. He closed his eyes and leaned back into his couch.  
  
  
Not ten minutes later, an abnormally loud pop of the fire caused the ex-cop to snap open his eyes. As he stared into the fire, he noticed Shawn’s face appear amongst the flames. “Shawn… what?” Henry managed to utter through his shock.  
  
  
“Hey Dad,” Shawn’s face said in a crackling voice, “I can’t make it to dinner tonight. Gus and I got transported to a wizard school and I don’t know when we’ll be back.”  
  
  
Finally over his shock, Henry stood and approached the fireplace. “Shawn, if you don’t want to have dinner with me, just tell me the truth. You don’t have to pull crazy stunts and make up wild excuses.” With that, he turned off the gas.


	4. 21. Vacation

“I can’t believe you got us stuck here, Shawn.”  
  
“Really? I find that hard to imagine.”  
  
“Fine, then. I can’t believe they’re letting you learn magic after what you did.”  
  
“What  _I_  did?”  
  
“You were the one who read the stupid spell.”  
  
“You don’t have a problem with them letting  _you_  learn magic?”  
  
“ _I_  am responsible. Unlike  _some_  people.”  
  
“Hey! I resent that!”  
  
“…”  
  
“No, really.”  
  
“…”  
  
“Okay. Not really. Don’t be a slimy troll booger, Gus. This’ll be fun!”  
  
“I have two jobs, Shawn. I don’t have time for this kind of fun.”  
  
“Relax, will you? I’ll have Dumbledore inform the Chief and your boss. As of right now, we’re on vacation!”  
  
“At a school?”  
  
“A  _magic_  school.”  
  
“…”  
  
“Gus? Where’re you going? Wait for me! Gus!”


	5. 86. Seeing Red

Shawn had been sorted first, even though Guster was way before Spencer alphabetically. Of course, Gus wasn’t about to protest this breech of order; he was far to busy trying to figure out how Shawn was so excited about this. It was no surprise to anyone present, however, when the Sorting Hat screeched out Gryffindor as it was less than an inch from being perched on the fake psychic’s head. Shawn boasted that the Gryffindor spirit poured off him in waves; Gus retorted that it probably wanted nothing to do with his hair gel.  
  
  
  
As obvious as Shawn’s sorting went, no one had expected the black man to receive the same placement. The hat had said something along the lines of being best friends with Shawn required more courage than anything else. Gus had snorted in agreement.  
  
  
  
It was only as the two followed McGonagall to Gryffindor tower that he realized the implications of what they were getting into. He would be rooming with Shawn and five teenagers. God help him.  
  
  
  
The trio came to a stop in front of a portrait of a full-figured woman in a pink dress. After the professor gave the password (“Pineapple fritters,” much to Shawn’s delight), the portrait winked saucily at the two men and swung to the side. Gus was still trying to get over that fact that a portrait had hit on him and that his best friend was now apparently flirting back, and therefore didn’t immediately notice the room that had previously been hidden. McGonagall cleared her throat and both boys stared into the scarlet dorms before them.


	6. 97. Safety First

Somehow (Gus suspected a certain pair of twins was involved), Shawn had managed to get his hands on a collection of muggle artifacts and had waltzed into potions class not ten minutes ago decked out with rubber gloves, a lab apron, and safety goggles firmly in place over his eyes. He snatched Hermione away from her original partner and dragged her over to the workstation by the largest ventilation shaft, resulting in two students being forcefully relocated. Once seated, he procured a set of classroom quality beakers, “just incase my cauldron isn’t up to the task, Professor. I did get it on sale you know. Apparently, there’s no standardization about cauldron thickness?”  
  
Snape was not amused.


	7. 31. Flowers

A poke.  
  
“Stop teasing the geranium, Shawn.”  
  
“Why should I?” Another poke, followed by a bite in retaliation.  
  
“That’s why.”  
  
“Ow! Sunova…”  
  
“Watch your language.”  
  
The daffodil honked laughingly as Shawn directed a withering glare at the plant before him. “Why do I have to deal with the fanged menace?”  
  
Gus glanced at his friend out of the corner of his eye. “Maybe because you managed to knock over the puffapods, even though you weren’t supposed to be anywhere near them.”  
  
Shawn pouted. “How was I supposed to know they reacted to being dropped like that?” He directed one last poke at the fanged geranium.  
  
“Ow!”  
  
Gus sighed. “Idiot.”  
  
The daffodil honked in agreement.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Shawn and Gus are handling a fanged geranium and a honking daffodil respectively.


	8. 61. Fairy Tale

Shawn Spencer

November 21

History of Magic

 

_Prompt: In your own words, describe the events of the 1376 Fairy Fiasco and its effects on Wizard/Muggle relations._

  
            On the evening of July 19, 1376, Baron Leland Rodriguez threw a grand ball for his daughter’s fourteenth birthday. Wizards, muggles, and magical creatures alike all attended this splendid event. Each guest brought the beautiful Princess Jules a magnificent gift; the wizard Zo gave a pair of dandy bejeweled pumps, the Queen of Hearts gave some tarts, and the giant Zumaragotryniango gave some enchanted beans. Finally, it was the turn of Jules’ three fairy godmothers. #1 blessed her with a police badge and rank of detective. #2 conjured up for her a partner by the name of Lassie. Finally, #3 waved her wand and granted the princess her soul mate.  
  
           The women of the wizarding world grew enraged that the muggle Jules had the charming, handsome, pineapple-loving man all to herself, and so threatened to attack. However, the mysterious stranger merely smiled at the horde of witches and they swooned, unable to take any violent action. And they all lived happily ever after.


	9. 74. Are You Challenging Me?

Gus wished, once again, that he could petrificus totalus Shawn’s mouth. Honestly. Challenging their Defense Against the Dark Arts professor to a bug eating contest was not funny, even if she did look remarkably like a toad. Even less amusing was when he managed to get them both detentions because Gus had decided to try and stop his friend after the third Frogger reference. “Don’t you think Professor Umbridge would have fun playing in traffic, Gus?” had sealed his fate.   
  
What  _was_  funny, though, was when Shawn accidentally ate a cockroach cluster a week later. Gus, still angry over getting in trouble, had snarked, “Getting a head start on that challenge?”


	10. 27. Foreign

Gus was truly thankful it was the weekend. That meant he could sleep in, catch up on his homework, investigate the library, and, hopefully, drive off Shawn by inventing new theorems for Arithmancy with Hermione. He had already completed the first three on his list and was heading back to Gryffindor tower to tackle the fourth when it happened. Shawn skidded around the upcoming corner of the moderately empty corridor and ran up to him. Grabbing Gus’ shoulders, he shook him hard and shouted, “The British are coming, Gus! The British are coming!” before looking over his own shoulder in apprehension. A moment later, a small group of students came running around the corner and Shawn squeaked, sprinting past his friend. Gus decided he really didn’t want to know.


	11. 75. Mirror

“Mirror, mirror, on the wall, who’s the hunkiest one of all?”

  
            “You are, you sexy beast, you.”

  
            “Shawn, must you go through this every morning?” Gus sat on his bed, idly watching his best friend strike ridiculous poses in front of the mirror.

  
            His friend pouted. “Of course. You know I have self confidence issues.”

  
           “Yeah, Gus,” his reflection replied, “Besides, it’s tradition by now. And we can’t break a tradition.”

  
           Gus rolled his eyes. His best friend was so weird. “Whatever,” he replied, rising from the bed, “I’ll be in the common room when you’re done with…” he trailed off, trying to find an appropriate word. Failing in that endeavor, he continued, “this.”

    
          Shawn watched his friend leave before turning back to the mirror. “Who will Jules end up with?”


	12. 43. Dying

Shawn surveyed the scene before him. That damn Weasley had him backed into a corner. Chip and Ann were already down, and he absolutely had to protect Thaddeus. But the only way to do that was…  
  
“It’s okay,” Clarence said, as if he could read Shawn’s mind, “I have no regrets.”  
  
“But you’ll die, Clarence.”  
  
The black man gave a small smile. “It’s the only way.” With that, he charged bravely forward, only to get hit by Ron’s knight.  
  
Shawn watched in horror as his bishop received a brutal beating before his little body went limp. “Clarence!” he sobbed before turning to his opponent. “You murderer!”  
  
Ron’s ears went pink. “Do you have to get so worked up over chess?”


	13. 91. Drowning

Honestly, Gus wasn’t the least bit surprised when Shawn waltzed into the Great Hall one afternoon, dripping with water, aquatic plants, and, according to one rather odd Ravenclaw, a nargle. Gus merely raised an eyebrow as his friend plopped down on the bench next to him and began eating with gusto. “What happened to you?” he inquired.  
  
Shawn, having just taken a bite of chicken, made some strange sounds and small gestures. Hermione wrinkled her nose at his table manners while Ron furrowed his brow in confusion.  
  
“You swam the mote?” Gus interpreted, not putting the crazy action past his friend. “Why?”  
  
Ron, however, was not as used to Shawn’s behavior and let out an incredulous, “You swam the mote?!”   
  
Ignoring the redhead, Shawn took a bite of potatoes and made some more vague mumbles.  
  
Gus snorted. “I highly doubt that you’ll ever have to storm the castle, so you shouldn’t worry about navigating the mote without drowning.” He turned back to his own food, determined to let the conversation end.  
  
Ron was still gaping at the Spencer scion. “You swam the mote?!”


	14. 1. Introduction

The soft glow of light emanating from the scarf-covered lamps combined with the strong perfumes cast a haze about the room. Shawn was fighting to stay awake while Gus was cursing the Super-Smeller with everything he had. Hermione wasn’t in this class with them, so Ron and Harry were left with the task of making sure they could catch up with everyone else. Shawn was just about to surrender himself to sleep when the professor arrived. In a flurry of sequins, tulle, and silk, she manifested just behind the new students. “I see we have two new faces today. It is just as I had foreseen.” She made he way to the front of the classroom, accompanied by the excited squeals of Lavender and Parvati.  
  
Ron snorted. “She’s a total fraud,” he muttered to Shawn and Gus, “Don’t take anything she says too seriously.”  
  
By now, the two men were focused on the professor as she blinked her magnified eyes behind her glasses and poured herself a cup of tea, shawls dangling precipitously over the steady stream of liquid. She turned once again to the new students. “Because you two so obviously lack The Sight, I must properly introduce myself. I am Sybil Trelawny, your divination professor. And you two are? I, of course, already know. It is for the benefit of the students that I ask you this.”  
  
Gus, already sensing trouble in the making, let out a meek, “Burton Guster.”  
  
Shawn, now fully awake, gave the professor a rakish grin. “Shawn Spencer, Head Psychic for the SBPD.”


	15. 39. Dreams

Shawn Spencer

Divination

Dream Interpretation

Week One

  Monday 

            I spent the entire dream searching for a sushi bar.

 

**Interpretation:** I have a craving for sushi.

  
 Tuesday 

            I dreamed that Lassie was really an octopus in disguise as a human and was leading us through the woods on the pretense of escaping from a serial killer. However, he was really bringing us to his octopus kingdom so he could devour us all.

 

**Interpretation:**  I miss Lassie.

  
  Wednesday 

            Er… No comment.

 

**Interpretation:**  I really,  _really_  miss Jules.

  
  Thursday 

            I was being chased by evil, man-eating clowns who could only see you if you touched them. I had to escape from them via an oversized mouse hole in the bathroom.

 

**Interpretation:**  I am suffering a lack of pineapple.

  
  Friday 

            I was at a party and the hired entertainment was a cannibalistic orgy.

 

**Interpretation:**  Never again will I crash a death-day celebration. The rotting food was bad enough. I can’t imagine how bad it would be if they actually did this.

  
  Saturday 

            I was on a symbolic Easter egg hunt at my high school. I had to climb trees and touch a handkerchief to the egg before moving on to the next one. Then I taught Gus how to fly. See, you have to press the A and R1 buttons at the same time…

 

**Interpretation:**  Gus and I need to have some more bonding time. Maybe this weekend we’ll break into Filch’s office.

  
  Sunday 

            I was in a field surrounded by frolicking unicorns.

 

**Interpretation:**  Care of Magical Creatures is going to be more terrifying than usual this week.


	16. 81. Pen and Paper

Dear Lassie,  
  
Guess what? I was further honing my psychic skills and I transported Gus and I to a magic school in England. No one can figure out how to remove us from the school, so now we’re taking classes. Isn’t that dope?  
  
I know you and Jules miss me horribly, so I sent you both a pair of singing socks to liven things up.  
  
Love,  
  
Shawn  
  
P.S. Feed the owl. The transatlantic flight will have been hard on the little guy. Just don’t give him a tootsie roll pop.  
  
  
  


* * *

  
  
Spencer,  
  
I don’t care.  
  
-Lassiter  
  
P.S. Don’t send any more owls to me at the station. In fact, don’t send me any more owls at all. And don’t worry about it having been lonely on the return journey. The socks kept it company.


	17. 17. Blood

 Shawn, being his usual self, was incredibly curious about the new world they had landed in. Unfortunately for him, he was still tied to the castle. Every time he tried to step off the grounds, he would disappear and then reappear in the Great Hall. (Ron had once called it ‘apparating,’ but Hermione was quick to point out the errors in that theory.) Gus, having watched Shawn’s first couple of hundred escape attempts, knew better than to try it. Thus, with the two trapped at the school and therefore unable to explore Hogsmeade, Ron, Harry, and the Weasley twins had decided to bring Hogsmeade to them.

            This was how both Shawn and Gus came to be found in the Gryffindor common room, surrounded by treats from the neighboring town. As Gus tentatively sipped a bottle of butterbeer, Shawn opened a bag from Honeydukes and retrieved a blood pop. “You want one?” he asked his friend, holding the bag toward him in offering.

            Gus made a face. “I can’t believe you’d actually eat one of those.”

            “Dude. You’ve been trying my whole life to make me lick my blood, and now that I’m actually willing you’re criticizing me? Nice.”

            “That’s not your own blood.”

            Shawn popped the sucker into his mouth in reply. “Mmmm… Blood…”


	18. 95. Advertisement

Wanted

 

Students willing to test new joke products.

 

Volunteers will be paid for their services.

 

Wages vary from one to seven galleons depending on level of potential bodily harm.

 

Gryffindors preferred (or any Hufflepuffs or Ravenclaws with courage).

 

All Slytherins accepted without question.

 

Test subjects must not be snitches who will rat us out to the professors. (Sorry Hermione!)

 

Contact the Weasley twins or Lee Jordan for more information

 

-WWW

 

            “Gus!” Shawn excitedly turned to his friend after reading the advertisement posted in the corridor.

            The salesman eyed his friend critically as he began jumping up and down in excitement. “No, Shawn.”


	19. 78. Drink

“Just drink it, Mr. Spencer.”  
  
“Are you sure this is safe?”  
  
“If you followed the directions properly, then you should have nothing to worry about.”  
  
“…”  
  
“You did follow the directions properly, right?”  
  
“Of course I did!”  
  
“Then you should have nothing to worry about. Drink.”  
  
“No.”  
  
“You’re trying my patience, Mr. Spencer. Drink before I fail you. Unless you have some other reason why you won’t drink it?”  
  
“The original potion was boring, so I added some embellishments.”  
  
“…”  
  
“…”  
  
“Embellishments?”  
  
“Yep.”  
  
“What kind of embellishments?”  
  
“Faith, trust, and a little pixie dust!”  
  
“…”  
  
“Really.”  
  
“Detention, Mr. Spencer.”  
  
“As you wish, Captain Hooknose.”


	20. 38. Abandoned

“I can’t believe you got detention, Shawn,” Gus muttered as he worked on his Transfiguration essay.  
  
“You don’t mean that.” Shawn sat across the table from his friend, pretending to work on his Transfiguration essay.  
  
“No. I don’t. Getting detention, again, after patronizing a teacher, again, is totally something you would do. I’m just glad I didn’t get dragged into it this time.”  
  
Shawn, finally giving up his act, set down his pen. “Well, about that…”  
  
Gus raised his head to glare at his friend. “No, Shawn.”  
  
“You haven’t even heard what I was going to say yet.”  
  
“I don’t need to, Shawn. You tried the same thing in 8th grade.”  
  
“But-”  
  
“I said ‘no,’ Shawn,” Gus repeated, turning to his homework once more, “I am not going to get detention just so I can keep you company.”  
  
The pseudo psychic stared at his friend aghast. “I can’t believe you would abandon me in my time of need!” he shouted before racing up the stairs to the dorms.  
  
Gus rolled his eyes. “Drama queen.”


	21. 8. Innocence

Shawn, resigned to his fate, arrived at the entrance hall with only a few minutes to spare. At eight o’clock on the dot, Argus Filch stepped out of the shadows, Mrs. Norris lingering behind. “Got yourself another detention, have you?” he laughed. “I’ll fix you up this time.” Shawn shivered. “Maybe I can get Professor Umbridge to let me use the whips. Don’t you think she’d approve of that punishment?” The caretaker mused, turning towards the delinquent.  
  
Using everything he learned as the son of a cop, Shawn managed to utter, “Isn’t that a cruel and unusual punishment?”  
  
Filch grinned. “It is.”  
  
“But that’s unconstitutional.”  
  
The squib gained a befuddled expression. “What?”  
  
“According to the US constitution, no one should have to undergo any sort of cruel or unusual punishment.”  
  
“You’re in wizarding England, not muggle America.”  
  
“So?” Shawn stomped his foot for effect. “I demand a fair trial. With a jury of my peers. And a lawyer. And you still need to read me my rights.”  
  
Filch rolled his eyes and began dragging Shawn to the dungeons. All the way, Shawn’s shouts echoed off the walls, desperately proclaiming, “I’m innocent! Innocent, I tell you!”


	22. 25. Trouble Lurking

           Honestly, Filch should have known that putting Shawn in detention with Fred and George Weasley, as well as Lee Jordan, was a profoundly stupid idea. Lee and Shawn were bad enough by themselves (Fred and George were  _always_  together). Sticking the four troublemakers in the same room allowed them to create a sort of synergy. It was only experience that made the caretaker confiscate their wands for the evening, setting them in plain view on the desk before him as he watched the students labor with their tasks. Still upset that he was not given the go ahead to use his preferred methods, the squib forgot that there was a fifth troublemaker at that school. Unfortunately for him, mischief-makers stuck together, even if one was a poltergeist.


	23. 6. Break Away

           A loud crash resounded throughout the room. Judging by the sound, Peeves had just knocked over several suits of armor on the floor above them. Filch cursed, racing out the door with Mrs. Norris on his heels. A lazy grin spread over Shawn’s face as he saw their captive wands, still lying innocuously on the desk. Dropping the chains he was cleaning, he raced to grab his precious possession. Once the quartet had all regained their wands, they turned to each other. Without any words being spoken, they simultaneously snuck out the door, hoping that Peeves could stall Filch long enough for them to get away.


	24. 37. Eyes

        In their haste to distract Filch, the quartet forgot that Mrs. Norris was smarter than your average cat. Therefore, it was with great shock, but not surprise, that their sights came to rest on a pair of eyes, seemingly glowing from within the shadows. A loud purring echoed portentously in the empty corridor. The eyes stared at them for a few moments longer before blinking lazily and disappearing.

            “That was most definitely not a little boy cat,” Shawn muttered, feeling his heart hammering in his chest.

            “Maybe it was a student’s cat. Hermione’s cat likes to prowl around, right?” Lee asked, futilely trying to convince himself that Filch wouldn’t notice they were gone yet.

            The twins shook their heads in unison. “I don’t think we’re that lucky.”

            A loud yell from Filch sent them running once more.


	25. 72. Mischief Managed

By the time Filch was only a few steps behind them, what had started off as an epic escape from the clutches of evil turned into an amazing display of “every man for himself.” The four had raced to Griffindor Tower, pushing each other into every obstacle available: staircases, empty classrooms, trick steps, fake doorways, unsuspecting prefects, ect. With all their efforts to sabotage one another, it was nothing short of a miracle that they all managed to approach the Fat Lady at the same time, all uncaught by the enraged caretaker. Shouting the password in unison, they leapt into the common room and Lee slammed the door behind him. Shawn, still bearing momentum from his run, managed a few summersaults before he came to rest at Gus’ feet (in the lupine position). The salesman raised an eyebrow at his friend.  
  
“Not now, Gus,” Shawn muttered, raising himself up off the ground, “I’m way too exhausted for a lecture.” With that, dragged himself up the boys’ staircase, closely followed by his partners in crime.  
  
Gus wondered if he should tell his friend that he probably just earned another detention.


	26. 23. Cat

Gus was putting the finishing touches on his potions essay when something behind him let out an extremely irritated meowl. Turning around in his seat, he came face to face with a cat that looked to have run into a few too many walls. The orange cat’s eyes stared at him from within its squashed face. Apparently, this creature was well versed in the subject of death glares. “Shawn,” he asked his friend, who was merrily holding the feline in his arms, “What is that?”  
  
“ Mrs. Pickles!” the man explained.  
  
The cat almost literally had Gus’ tongue as he watched the little boy cat hiss menacingly.


	27. 63. Do Not Disturb

Shawn, when he had discovered to location of his bed, had thought it would be exciting to be right next to the window. After all, the view was gorgeous; there was some sort of tree that had blossoms blooming a different color everyday. Happy little birds made their home in that tree, and they sang happy little tunes throughout the day. It almost made up for not having a CD player.  
  
It wasn’t until the first night when he realized the error in his logic. The happy little birds liked to start singing their happy little tunes before the crack of dawn; they always began at 4:45 on the dot. And they were loud little birds. Nothing he did could make them shut up. Once he threw a shoe at them, but they simply sang louder and Ron kept wondering what had happened to his shoe.  
  
This time, Shawn stared at his pillow, contemplating whether or not to chuck it at the creatures. However, he decided he actually liked his pillow and instead buried his head underneath it. Maybe if he was really crafty, he could convince Gus to switch places with him.


	28. 56. Danger Ahead

“Go Guster!” Shawn’s yell permeated the bird-infested classroom as he cheered the chicken on.  
  
Gus raised an eyebrow at his friend. “First of all, Shawn, this is not a race. Second of all, ‘Guster?’”  
  
“Yes. Lieutenant Guster III. He’s very competitive.”  
  
Gus was about to retort when the creature pecked at one of the marked stones littering the floor. Harry picked up the rock. Consulting the textbook, he declared, “According to the lieutenant, I am in some sort of danger.” He took on an exasperated expression. “Again.”  
  
Lieutenant Guster III squawked merrily before selecting another stone from the assortment. As Harry examined the mark he blinked. “A pineapple?”  
  
“That’s the last time I let Shawn draw on the stones,” Gus managed to grind out before Professor Trelawney swooped down on the group.  
  
“Oh, you poor dear,” she stated dramatically, “You should beware of what you eat. You are in danger of poison!” A few gasps were heard from Lavender and Parvati.  
  
Shawn rolled his eyes. “The only thing Harry’s in danger of is delicious flavor.”


	29. 30. Under the Rain

It was, Gus supposed, inevitable that Shawn would team up with the Weasley twins and help to create certain products. Therefore, he wasn’t particularly surprised when his friend disappeared with the two everyday for a month. Every time he caught a glimpse of the trio, they were huddled together in some corner, successfully hiding the source of various strange smells and sounds. He just knew they were up to no good.  
  
Thus, when Shawn sat down next to him in the great hall one morning, trying his best to be inconspicuous, Gus was on guard. “What did you do?” he asked warily, not entirely sure he wanted to know.  
  
Shawn turned to the salesman. “You sound like you don’t trust me?”  
  
“I don’t.”  
  
As Shawn clutched his hand to his chest and stared at Gus in mock shock, a small rain cloud formed above the psychic’s head. The rain that began to pour didn’t seem to wet Shawn, but still somehow managed to drench Gus’ plate. “That hurt,” Shawn said. Gus merely held up a piece of now soggy toast in response.


	30. 14. Smile

Gus hated that smile. It never meant anything good. It was there when he first tried smoking and that one time he ditched school. It made its appearance every time he was about to do something that would get himself in trouble. So when Shawn flounced up to him before class one day with that grin on his face, Gus knew that something was about to go horribly wrong. “Whatever it is you want me to do, the answer’s no.”  
  
The smile didn’t waver.  
  
“No, Shawn.”  
  
If anything, the smile grew bigger.  
  
“Shawn!”  
  
The psychic leaned forward slightly, expression still in place.  
  
Gus closed his eyes for a few minutes and commenced his Lamaze breathing. When he opened his eyes again, the smile was still in front of him. He sighed. “What?” he asked, resignedly.  
  
Shawn’s face lit up. “What do you know about the Forbidden Forest?”


	31. 22. Mother Nature

Shawn took in a deep breath. “Isn’t it amazing?” he asked dreamily  
  
Gus looked at the forest looming in front of them. The dense canopies of the trees rendered the ground darker than he thought possible. All sorts of vines hung low, just waiting to strangle him if he moved too fast. And if he moved his head right, he could see a myriad of eyes staring at him. He crossed his arms in front of his chest protectively. “Yeah. Amazing.”  
  
Without a second thought, Shawn marched into the foreboding forest. Gus reluctantly followed, wondering if he would survive this adventure.


	32. 35. Hold My Hand

It wasn’t the chilly air that made him do it, nor the susurrations of what he hoped were leaves. It wasn’t the lazy eyes following their every move, either. Actually, he was pretty sure it was the branch that snapped just behind them. The duo jumped and his hand simply moved on its own.  
  
As soon as it made contact, Shawn screamed and wrenched his hand away. “Gus!” he whispered, heart hammering away at his ribcage, “What was that?”  
  
“It’s your fault. You know I get clingy when I’m surprised.”  
  
“So you hold my hand?”  
  
“Hey!” Gus defended himself, “I was planning on using you as a shield in case it was a tiger or something.”  
  
Shawn snorted. “Why would there be a tiger in a magical forest? That’s just ridiculous, Gus.”  
  
The moment these words left his mouth, another branch snapped, the sound echoing among the trees. Both men squealed and jumped together, clinging onto one another for dear life. The undergrowth rustled and the perpetrator emerged from within it. The little squirrel raced toward a fallen acorn and lifted it up, staring curiously at the men in the process. They watched as it began to nibble on its meal before rapidly moving apart.  
  
“We will never speak of this moment again,” Shawn declared, trying desperately to look as though he hadn’t just been clinging to his best friend in terror.  
  
“Agreed.”


	33. 87. Food

“Gus! Gus, come here!” Shawn’s voice appeared to be coming from behind a small clump of trees. Curious as to what had his friend so excited, the pharmaceutical salesman cautiously made his way into the small clearing.  
  
As soon as he stepped past the foliage, he could see his friend in a reverential pose in front of some strange tree. And was that… ‘Oh, you have got to be kidding me…’  
  
“Gus! Pineapple!”  
  
“Shawn. That’s not a pineapple plant.”  
  
“Who’s the pineapple expert here, you or me?”  
  
Gus rolled his eyes. “Pineapples are tropical. We’re in a temperate zone.”  
  
“But does not the swallow fly south in the winter to seek warmer weather?”  
  
Upon hearing a response differing from the usual “But it’s magic,” Gus took a few moments to register what had been said. “We are not quoting Monty Python, Shawn.”  
  
Ignoring his friend’s words, Shawn managed to find a sharp rock and began hacking away at the fruit. After a few moments, he managed to cut away a large section of flesh.  
  
“Don’t, Shawn. It’s purple.”  
  
Despite this warning, Shawn took a bite. No sooner had he closed his mouth, he froze, a horrified expression on his face.   
  
Gus sighed as his friend spit the fruit out and began scraping at his tongue. “I told you that wasn’t pineapple.”


	34. 66. Traps

“I hate you, Shawn.” Gus, arms akimbo, quickly shifted his expression into a glare as he spun in his friend’s direction.  
  
Shawn pouted as he, too, spun around. “Sure. Blame me, why don’t you?”  
  
“It’s never failed me yet. After all, it always is your fault.”  
  
“Hey!”  
  
Gus looked pointedly at his friend as he twirled around once more. “Don’t try to deny it.”  
  
Shawn placed his hands on his hips in an effort to look menacing, an effect that was ruined by the fact that the two were suspended by a loop of rope around one ankle each. “How is this one my fault? It’s not like I claimed to have Indian blood as a result of working in that casino.”  
  
Gus snorted. “Not this time, you didn’t.”  
  
The faux psychic continued as though his friend had never spoken. “It may just be a result of the blood rushing to my head, but I can’t think of any way that us walking into these traps could possibly be my fault.”  
  
“You can’t have forgotten asking that centaur for a lift. That was incredibly rude, you know. It’s no wonder he sent us in this direction.”  
  
“…”  
  
“What? Nothing to say?”  
  
“Oh shut up and help me figure out a way down.”


	35. 41. Teamwork

It was, Gus mused as he gazed upon the creatures’ multi-faceted eyes, due to both of their efforts that they were in this much trouble. It was completely impossible for one man to endanger himself this much.  
  
Shawn, of course, was the one to drag him into the forest. Also, he dragged them into the most obvious dangers, such as the infuriated centaurs, man-eating flowers, and what appeared to be a rather small giant. (Shawn was quick to point out that oxymoron.)  
  
However, Gus had accidentally tumbled down that cliff and his flailing had brought Shawn along for the ride. And he had screamed rather loudly upon running into a large spider web, which alerted the oversized arachnids to their presence.  
  
Suddenly a pair of bright lights flooded the area and the smaller spiders left, leaving their larger companions to confront the brightly lit intruder.  
  
It took a special kind of teamwork to get into this kind of trouble. It would take the same kind to get them back out.


	36. 3. Light

The glaring lights continued to grow closer, causing the less courageous spiders to flee, skittering back to some dark corner of the forest. Gus absently recognized Shawn’s squeal as one of the retreating creatures brushed its hairy leg against him. The beasts continued running until only a handful remained in the way of the approaching luminescence. It wasn’t long before all the salesman could see was the silhouettes of the few monsters remaining, the light haloing out from the edges of the blackness. He closed his eyes. The image remained on the back of his eyelids for a few moments. There was an abrupt honk and his eyes flew open.


	37. 9. Drive

Their savior was a car, light blue in color and bearing resemblance to a feral cat. Tangled vines made their home in the back seat and the dashboard was decorated with all sorts of insect cocoons. The paintjob was littered with scratches of varying sizes and the doors looked like they had had a run in with the Whomping Willow. The car honked again and shook Shawn out of his terrified stupor. Quickly, he ran to Gus and dragged him to the car, dumping him in the passenger seat in the process. Looking back, he saw the spiders remobilizing. He hopped over the car door and landed in the driver’s seat. No sooner had he made contact with the upholstery, the car took off, racing through the bushes and brambles that carpeted the forest floor.  
  
Shawn looked through the rear window until he could no longer see any over-sized arachnids. He sighed in relief and turned forward in his seat. Gus was still in shock and so was depleted of any entertainment value. Instead, Shawn spread his gaze across the dashboard. Underneath one particularly large mass of cocoons there appeared to be a button. Shawn scraped the majority of the insect material off and stared at it. He wondered what would happen if he pressed it. It probably wasn’t a self-destruct button, but in the wizarding world one never knew. Still… He shrugged and pressed it. The car shimmered for a moment before Shawn could no longer see it. He blinked at the invisible vehicle for a moment. “Dude! That is totally dope!”


	38. 57. Sacrifice

“But Gus!”  
  
“No, Shawn.” Gus widened his stance and crossed his arms over his chest as a physical expression of his unwillingness to budge on the subject. “We are not staying in this god forsaken forest one moment longer.”  
  
Shawn pouted. “It wasn’t that bad.”  
  
“Not that bad? We were chased by gigantic spiders and had to be rescued by a feral car. And you just had to use the invisibility feature to cause more havoc, didn’t you?”  
  
“It’s not my fault that the unicorns didn’t move out of the way!”  
  
“What part of invisible do you not understand?”  
  
Shawn put on his best pleading expression. “Come on, Gus. We haven’t even covered half the forest.”  
  
“Well,” Gus responded, marching resolutely toward the castle, “that’s a sacrifice you’ll have to make.”


	39. 2. Love

“So, to summarize, you have to be very careful when dealing with members of the opposite sex. And you have to be especially delicate due to your relationship’s unique complications.”  
  
Harry sank down in his chair in embarrassment and thanked every deity he could think of that the common room wasn’t very crowded this late. Shawn had cornered him after dinner and proclaimed that Harry was in need of the psychic’s romantic advice. It was bad enough that the advice was entirely unwanted and dispensed in front of Ginny. However, Shawn had decided that the boy who lived was interested in an entirely different female.  
  
Gus chose this moment to speak up. “I don’t think we have to worry about Harry dating Moaning Myrtle, Shawn.”


	40. 85. Spiral

Gus knew he should have stayed in bed this morning. After all, nothing good could come from Shawn being a natural at something. The two had been sent to take flying lessons with the first years and the psychic had taken to the subject like he did to fooling the police department. While Gus had to kick his broom to make it jump into his hand, Shawn had merely had to nonchalantly order it to come to him.  
  
Once they kicked off the ground, Shawn had further shown his skill in this area. Most of the students, Gus included, hovered only a few feet above the ground. A few of the more adventurous eleven year olds reached heights of a couple yards. Shawn, however, had woven his way through the students, circled around Gus a few times, and rose to hang about thirty feet in the air. Then, without warning, he came rushing downward in a helix and landed gracefully on the grass.  
  
Gus had snorted disdainfully. “Show off.”


	41. 65. Horror

“Shawn?” Gus ventured.  
  
The man absently acknowledged his friend as he tried to retrieve his charms textbooks from underneath the chicken perched comfortably in his bag.  
  
“Why did you bring the Lieutenant to class?” the pharmaceuticals salesman asked, staring at the bird for a moment. He kidded, “Is he here just incase you get hungry?”  
  
The chicken squawked at his namesake in annoyance.  
  
Shawn rolled his eyes. “Of course not, Gus.” He straightened out the books on his desk before adding as an afterthought, “I’m saving him for my emergency food supply.”  
  
Both Gusters stared at him in blatant horror.


	42. 44. Two Roads

There were two options Shawn could have taken when he found Crabbe and Goyle standing in front of the library. He could have just ignored them and walked away. However, aliens hadn’t replaced Shawn with someone who had any sort of common sense, so he chose the other option. Gus watched as his friend approached the two Slytherins. This could not end well…  
  
“Hey guys,” Shawn greeted them as they turned around to look at him, “Aren’t you a little lost? I mean, I don’t think you’ve ever been this close to a library before in your life.”  
  
Gus winced as the duo tried to process the insult. No. This could not end well at all…


	43. 52. Deep In Thought

The two bullies stared at Shawn as they tried to process his words. The psychic waited for them to realize that they had been insulted, but they were still thinking it over a minute later. Shawn blinked at them a few times before sharing a look with Gus, who was still retaining some distance.  
  
Suddenly, one of the two (Shawn had never bothered to differentiate between them as they were always together) frowned and rumbled a disgruntled, “Hey!”  
  
The second followed with an equally offended grunt.  
  
The Spencer scion turned to face the duo with a raised eyebrow.  
  
Draco Malfoy, who was just exiting the library, gazed upon the three with the same expression.  
  
“Jeez,” Shawn joked, “Don’t think so much. You’re starting to remind me of Hamlet. You remember his fatal flaw, right Gus?” But Gus, sensing the approaching danger, had successfully hidden himself behind a particularly amused suit of armor.  
  
Crabbe and Goyle narrowed their eyes in thought as they once again attempted to decipher Shawn’s words.   
  
The man prepared himself to wait. This could take a while.  
  
Malfoy, apparently taking pity on his goons, sighed and spoke up. “He just called you stupid.”  
  
The duo began to crack their knuckles menacingly and Shawn squeaked, suddenly envious of Gus’ hiding spot.


	44. 42. Standing Still

Crabbe and Goyle were advancing on him rapidly, flexing their bulging muscles in an effective attempt at intimidation. Shawn tried to will his feet to move, but they remained where they were. He had a fleeting thought of screaming for help, but he’d never live it down if he did. Besides, his vocal chords weren’t capable of producing anything more than a few pitiful whimpers at the moment. He heard a small sound come from an alcove behind one of the suits of armor and knew that Gus would wait there so he could retrieve medical assistance when all this was over. He tried once more to move, adding more force than before, but his feet retained their positions. However, the rest of his body was capable of moving and he fell backwards, landing in an undignified heap on the floor. The Slytherin duo loomed over him and he gulped.


	45. 88. Pain

A fist hauled him to his feet and another connected with his gut. At first he didn’t feel it, doubled over as the air rushed from his lungs. It was only once he had managed to grasp onto a bit of breath that he felt the pain blossom outward from the point of impact. The sensation caused him to gasp, which only quickened the sensation. He felt another blow hit him from the side and he stumbled, only remaining upright due to his two attackers. The pain from the latest hit mingled with that of the first and intensified to the point that he could hardly take in air without promptly expelling it in pitiful moans. He wondered if he should even bother trying to fight back; judging by the force of their fists on his body, the two students were built like gargoyles. From somewhere just outside the perimeter of the fight, there came a soft clink of metal and the sound of feet sprinting down the stone corridors. Shawn took in a shaky breath and hoped that Gus got help soon.


	46. 58. Kick in the Head

He wasn’t sure how much longer this was going to go on. He wasn’t sure how much longer he could handle it. He was down on the floor, curled up like a pill bug in an effort to protect his more vital parts. Crabbe and Goyle circled around him, occasionally hitting his limbs with enough force to make him whimper. He was willing to bet that his bruises had bruises by this point in time. And, just his luck, Gus wasn’t back yet.  
  
Suddenly, one of the duo hit his spine rather harshly. A combination of the force and pain forced him out of his protective ball. The other lumbering Slytherin took advantage of this opportunity to swing his leg back and forth, foot impacting with the psychic’s head.


	47. 84. Out Cold

Gus skidded down the corridors with Professor McGonagall rushing behind him. In his haste to get help, he had neglected to mention the nature of the emergency, so the professor was clueless as to the scene they would soon stumble upon. Hopefully though, they could get there before anything exceedingly terrible happened to Shawn.   
  
As they approached the library, the two spied a figure lying in an awkward position on the floor and Gus had a sinking feeling that it was the psychic. They made their way closer and his suspicions were confirmed.  
  
The salesman stared at his unconscious friend in horror. His visible skin was littered with bruises and there was a particularly nasty bump forming on his head. However, as McGonagall levitated Shawn into the air to take him to the hospital wing, Gus could’ve sworn he heard his friend mumble something about hopscotching baggage.


	48. 48. Childhood

He was standing in his father’s kitchen. Shawn blinked at this concept and realized that everything was exactly the same as it had been when he was a child, including the size. Acting on a whim, he sought out his reflection on the shiny surface of the oven door. The face looking back at him hadn’t been seen in at least twenty years. He looked down at his small hands and Tears for Fears t-shirt. Something was very wrong here. Why in the world was he a kid again?  
  
A sudden noise emitted from his old bedroom. Curious, he cautiously made his way up the stairs and stood in front the door. A steady tapping sound resounded, accompanied by an occasional crash. He cracked open the door. What in the world? He opened the door fully and stared. His room was filled with baggage. Animated baggage. Two suitcases, labeled Love and Hate, were playing hopscotch in the center of the room, while a number of others, including a duffel bag and a backpack named Worry and Happiness respectively, were watching on the sidelines.  
  
“Emotional baggage, I’m assuming,” Shawn mused out loud before a voice drew his attention.  
  
“Shawn.” The speaker was Gus. Only, this Gus was wearing a top hat and was carrying his wand.  
  
“Magic Head?”  
  
“Shawn! Wake up, you moron.”  
  
Suddenly, the psychic felt himself growing. He reached his original adult height, but he didn’t stop there. He kept growing until the room was too small and then some. The roof cracked against his head and bits of roofing fell to the floor.  
  
“Shawn!”  
  
He opened his eyes.


	49. 83. Heal

Gus was hovering over him, steadily poking him in the cheek. ‘Strange,’ Shawn thought, ‘that’s something that I would do to him.’ He blinked a few times before speaking out loud, “Gus?”  
  
The black man obviously wasn’t paying that much attention before his name was called because he jerked away, almost tipping over the chair he was sitting in. “Shawn! You’re awake!”  
  
The psychic leveled his friend with an expression that clearly read “Well, duh.”  
  
“How are you feeling?” Gus continued.  
  
“Strangely,” Shawn replied, sitting up in the bed, “Nothing hurts.”  
  
“Yeah. That’s because Madame Pomfrey fixed you up.”  
  
As if sensing that she had been mentioned, the nurse came bustling out of the back room, carrying a vial of some sort of potion. “Please leave,” she told Gus, “Mr. Spencer needs his rest.” Gus shrugged, picked up a black marker laying nearby, and left after saying a quick goodbye. Shawn stared longingly after his friend until Madame Pomfrey shoved the potion into his hands. “Drink up.” She pause for a few moments before asking him, “Does Mr. Guster always draw mustaches on unconscious people?”  
  
Shawn couldn’t help but think that he may have had a bad influence on his friend.


	50. 68. Hero

Shawn frowned. “So tell me again why Crabbe and Goyle didn’t get in trouble?”  
  
Gus shrugged. “They were gone when I got back with Professor McGonagall.”  
  
“Are you sure you didn’t fight them off in an epic battle between the forces of good and evil?”  
  
“I told you,” the salesman replied, rolling his eyes, “They were still beating you up when I ran for help.”  
  
“Right,” the psychic said with a nudge and a wink.  
  
“Seriously, Shawn.”  
  
“And so modest, too!” he exclaimed, fluttering his eyelashes and pretending to swoon, “I’m so glad to have you as my hero!”  
  
Gus groaned.


	51. 47. Creation

“What happened then, sensei?” The girl, one of the numerous impressionable first years hanging onto his every word, asked eagerly, eyes wide with newfound enlightenment.  
  
Shawn sagely rubbed his chin with one hand. “Well, after the griffin had successfully hatched from the chicken’s egg (which totally came after the bird in question), he was feeling pretty hungry. So, he made some turtle soup. Its humongous shell is what we call the earth.” He nodded as he finished.  
  
The majority of the eleven year olds oohed and awed at his story. However, two impertinent little youngsters raised their hands.  
  
Shawn pointed at one of them at random, declaring, “You. Question. Speak.”  
  
“My dad says that the chicken came after the egg.”  
  
“Yeah, well, is your dad a psychic able to tap into the memories of the earth itself?” Upon receiving no response, he continued, “I didn’t think so,” before gesturing to the other curious child.  
  
“If the chicken was small enough to be able to avoid the intergalactic police by hiding in the turtle’s mouth, how did it manage to lay an egg containing a griffin large enough to eat the entire turtle?”  
  
Shawn took a moment to examine the child’s uniform. “You know the rules,” he told her in lieu of an actual answer, “No Ravenclaws allowed.”  
  
Gus, who had been sitting next to his friend the entire time in order to properly provide adequate amounts of eye rolling, spoke up. “Since when?”  
  
“Since they were a bunch of know-it-alls with no imagination and who ask too many questions.”  
  
“In other words, they always realize that your creation stories are completely bogus.”  
  
“Exactly.”


	52. 24. No Time

His feet skidded on the flagstones as he turned the corner, threatening to send him careening into a nearby portrait. As it was, the force caused his bag to fly into the air and come within a few scant millimeters of the painted goblin. He ignored the enraged threats and continued on his way.   
  
Before him, he could see the desired staircase begin to shift positions. His eyes widened in horror. He didn’t have enough time to wait for it to move back. Bracing himself, he increased his speed and sprinted up the stairs, taking them two at a time. The landing he wanted was now a little over two feet away from the top of the stairs. Without slowing down, he continued running, propelling himself off the top step and into the air.  
  
He felt his feet make contact with the floor, and the sudden stability sent him falling forward. Thinking quickly, he crouched down and executed a perfect roll, ending up on both his feet. He stood up once more and took off running down the corridor.  
  
Professor McGonagall was just about to mark him as late when he slammed the door open. “Mr. Spencer,” she began as Shawn hopped over his desk to reach his seat, “I’m so glad you could make it on time.”


	53. 18. Rainbow

Watching Shawn get ready in the morning was always an interesting experience. By now, Gus knew his friend’s routine by heart. First, he lounged around in his bed for 36 minutes exactly. Then, still shaking off the vestiges of sleep, the psychic literally rolled out of bad and landed on the floor on all fours. He slowly got to his feet, right foot first, and stumbled to the bathroom, stubbing his left big toe on the way. After precisely 4 minutes and 53 seconds, he emerged and lumbered over to his trunk. Then he would strip to his boxers.  
  
Usually, he would close his curtains around him as he undressed. Gus had never really known why his friend was suddenly so shy. However, today the psychic had forwent his usual enclosure and unintentionally gave Gus a good view of his boxers.  
  
The salesman blinked as he wondered where his friend had gotten enchanted underwear. “Sparkling rainbows, Shawn? Really?”


	54. 54. Tower

Shawn leaned his forehead against the window in the Griffindor common room. “I want to go outside,” he muttered.  
  
Gus snorted from his seat next to him. “You know where the door is,” he responded, going back to collaborating with Hermione on a potions essay.   
  
The psychic sighed, earning questioning looks from Harry and Ron. “I don’t want to walk through the entire castle just to get outside.” He looked longingly at the pristine grounds carpeted with soft grass.  
  
“Too bad going out the window would kill you,” Ron told him. Gus shot him an alarmed look.  
  
Harry smirked and added. “If only Rapunzel was here.”  
  
Gus groaned at the gleam in his friend’s eyes.  
  
Shawn immediately turned to the salesman. “Rapunzel, Rapunzel, let down your hair.”  
  
“I shave my head, Shawn.”  
  
Ron looked incredibly confused.  
  
Hermione snorted with ill-concealed laughter.


	55. 82. Can You Hear Me?

“Can you hear me?” Shawn’s voice boomed throughout the common room.   
  
Gus took a few seconds to recover from what his hands, securely fastened over his ears, had failed to protect him from. “Yes, you moron!” he shouted back.  
  
Shawn did not seem completely satisfied with this information. He quickly raced to hide behind a particularly squishy armchair. “Can you hear me now?”  
  
“You’re using the Sonorus spell. Of course I can hear you!” Gus bellowed, feeling the last bits of his patience being used up, “Now cast Quietus before I have to hurt you!” Curse Hermione and her suggestion for the duo to practice their spellwork.


	56. 51. Sport

When Gus woke up that morning, he was not expecting the sudden weight jumping up and down on his bed. He rocked dangerously on the moving mattress before he tumbled to the floor. Looking up, he saw Shawn bouncing excitedly on the salesman’s bed. “What are you doing and why are you doing it on my bed?” he asked, veins pumping with adrenaline.  
  
The psychic jumped around in a circle before responding. “The Griffindor versus Slytherin quidditch match is today.”  
  
“So you’re jumping in excitement? That explains part of my question.” He paused for a moment to eye his sheets and pillows being cast to the floor by the continuous motion. “Why aren’t you jumping on your own bed?”  
  
“Waking you up at the same time is more fun,” came the simple reply.  
  
Gus frowned and chucked one of his pillows at Shawn.


	57. 49. Stripes

When the duo went to breakfast that morning, the Great Hall was filled with school spirit and unhealthy competition. The Slytherins were decked out in silver and green and were wearing pins proclaiming, “Weasley is Our King.” Almost every other student was wearing a combination of gold and red.   
  
Navigating their way through the crowd, the two men eventually found Harry and Ron in the company of a Ravenclaw. Ron looked pale, probably due to the nerves before his first game. Harry, however, was more focused on the Ravenclaw’s hat. It sported a large lion’s head and, with a wave of the girl’s wand, let out an extremely loud roar.  
  
Shawn frowned for a moment at being outdone before he turned to Gus. “You were a cheerleader in high school, right?  
  
“Pep captain, Shawn.”  
  
The psychic shrugged. “Same difference. What do you say we demonstrate how one really shows his stripes?”


	58. 80. Words

Harry wasn’t sure how Shawn and Gus would react to their first quidditch game. In fact, he wasn’t even sure he wanted to know. To make matters worse, Ron, Fred, and George were playing alongside him and Lee Jordan was commentating the match. That left only Hermione to watch over the duo. Gus, while normally manageable, could sometimes be brought so far into Shawn’s plans that he was impossible to handle. It was because of this that, when Shawn and Gus stood up to lead the Griffindor cheers, Harry was incredibly worried.  
  
“When I say ‘red,’ you say ‘gold,’” Gus began, with all the exuberance of a pep captain and the aid of a Sonorus charm, “Red!”  
  
“Gold!” three quarters of the student body shouted back at him with no such magical assistance.  
  
“Red!”  
  
“Gold!”  
  
“When I say ‘go,’” he said with the same enthusiasm as before, “you say ‘fight.’ Go!”  
  
“Fight!  
  
“Go!”  
  
“Fight!”  
  
“Red!”  
  
“Gold!”  
  
“Go!”  
  
“Fight!”  
  
Shawn, also aided by a Sonorus charm, joined him for the last line. “Griffindor is out of sight!” The psychic paused for a moment as the crowd cheered wildly. “The house colors didn’t seem to fit in well. They didn’t rhyme.”  
  
Gus shrugged. “It works better in it’s original form. ‘Green. White. Go. Fight.’”  
  
“Whose colors are green and white?”  
  
“Do you remember anything from middle school? So much for a photographic memory.”  
  
“Usgay! Ixnay onay ethay otographicphay emorymay!” A smack followed. Then, “Ow! Gus!”  
  
Up in the air, Harry decided he didn’t care what they were talking about.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The real cheer is "Green. White. Go. Fight. Griffins are out of sight." Yes. My school mascot was the griffin.


	59. 73. I Can't

Since beginning his lifelong friendship with Shawn, Gus had learned that, while his best friend was incredibly bright, he had a nasty habit of not thinking things through before he acted or spoke. Therefore, it wasn’t a matter of if he would get cursed, but rather when. The aforementioned “when” happened to be the day after the rather disastrous quidditch match. Shawn, all ready to tell off the Slytherins for their variations of “Your mom!” had approached Malfoy and stood obtrusively in his path.  
  
“Out of the way, Mudblood,” the blond had sneered.  
  
The psychic, who, judging by his sunglasses and bounty hunter vest, had been giving a very obvious effort to seem cool and intimidating, replied with, “Sticks and stones will break my bones, but words will never hurt me.”  
  
Malfoy raised an eyebrow and responded with a wand pointed in Shawn’s direction. “Petrificus totalus.”  
  
The fraud’s legs, which had previously been set in a wide stance, snapped together and sent him falling to the floor. He would have caught himself, but his hands were firmly attached to his sides. He winced as he connected with the flagstones.  
  
Off to the side, Gus merely sighed and murmured the counter-curse. He waited for Shawn to right himself before asking, “Still think words can’t hurt you?”  
  
Shawn held his head up defiantly. “Sticks and stones were definitely involved.”


	60. 34. Stars

Of all the classes that Hogwarts offered, Astronomy was the one that Gus was looking forward to the most. After all, any excuse to watch the night sky was fine with him. The tower offered a perfect view of the twinkling fireballs and the magical telescopes allowed him to have an unrivaled view of the planets. Therefore, it was with much excitement that Gus sat down in the common room to work on his star chart.  
  
The pharmaceuticals salesman had correctly drawn and labeled several constellations when he noticed that Shawn was working on the same assignment with a surprising amount of focus. Curious, he peered over at his friend’s chart. “Shawn,” he began with barely contained annoyance, “‘Hercules’ is not called ‘The Hammer of Jeff.’”  
  
The psychic looked up in surprise. “Hercules? You mean the cartoon character?”  
  
“The character existed long before Disney got a hold of him, you know.”  
  
Shawn paused for a moment before scratching out his writing and adding in the correct name. “So,” he started once again, “why’s he getting ganged up on by Monkey with Rash and the Scorpion King?”  
  
Gus dropped his head onto the table in exasperation. His friend was so getting an Astronomy book for Christmas.


	61. 50. Breaking the Rules

Gus had gotten used to waiting for Shawn to get back from detention. After all, it seemed as though the psychic was trying to break some sort of record. Therefore, when the portrait hole swung open an hour after curfew, he wasn’t surprised to find that his friend was behind it. “How was detention?” he asked offhandedly, looking up from his book.  
  
Shawn dropped himself overdramatically onto a nearby chair. “Horrible,” he gasped, “I think it qualified as child abuse.”  
  
“You’re thirty.”  
  
“I heard she punishes other students the same way,” the Spencer declared emphatically.  
  
Gus raised an eyebrow in question.  
  
“The frog lady has this quill which uses your own blood as the ink! When she makes you write lines with it, the words are etched into your hand. Look!” With this, he thrust his hand into the salesman’s face. Continuing on, he added, “And then, after submitting me to corporal punishment, she assigned me another detention.” The psychic said this last part as though he had done nothing to deserve this additional punishment.  
  
The black man found the cause of the additional detention in his friend’s wounds. “Shawn,” he asked, eyeing the clotting cuts, “Why is your hand insulting Umbridge?”


	62. 67. Playing the Melody

The Sorting Hat Song

by Shawn Spencer

 

**Chorus:**

Oh, I am the Sorting Hat.

And yes, I am all that.

And if you dare think otherwise

I’ll smack you with cat.

 

My job is truly dope

And soon you will agree.

But before your sad young minds I grope:

A bit of history.

 

A thousand years ago,

Four wizards made this school

So that wizards in training know

Which charms are super cool.

 

The four did not play games,

Had no creativity.

They created houses with their names

For their proclivity.

 

The children they did sort

Into each different house

According to what was their forte.

They were pulled with fifteen gauss.

 

**Chorus:**

Oh, I am the Sorting Hat.

And yes, I am all that.

And if you dare think otherwise

I’ll smack you with a cat.

 

Gryffindor is for the brave.

These peeps, they know no fear.

Without thinking, other folks they’ll save.

Their lives are not austere.

 

Ravenclaw is for the smart.

No morons welcome there.

And if you let their studies start

You’ll see they never err.

 

Hufflepuff’s not full of losers,

But loyal, working folk,

Who refuse to wail on abusers.

Instead, they tell a joke.

 

Slytherin is full of pride

For its cunning and street smarts.

They’ll gladly give another’s hide

To save their private parts.

 

So put me on your head

And let me read your mind.

Unless you happen to be dead,

A place for you I’ll find.

 

**Chorus:**

Oh, I am the Sorting Hat.

And yes, I am all that.

And if you dare think otherwise

I’ll smack you with a cat.


	63. 36. Precious Treasure

Somehow, Shawn had gotten lost. He laid the blame on a combination of a Hufflepuff and his insatiable urge for delicious flavor. He had been walking to the Great Hall for breakfast when he heard one of the Hufflepuffs mention that Professor Flitwick kept a hoard of pineapples for the first years to make tap-dance. Since the idea of dancing fruit didn’t appeal to his appetite, he set out to find the uncharmed fruit.  
  
Naturally, the first place he checked was Flitwick’s office. Failing to find anything there, he examined the charm’s classroom. After another disappointment, he ventured forth to find the kitchens. Despite the rather awkward experience of having to tickle a pear, the kitchen was a rather charming place. The house elves gave him various offers of food, but, since none of it included the delicious tropical treasure, he was forced to decline.  
  
Several hours later, he found himself pacing one of the corridors in thought. Truly, there weren’t many places that he could imagine the small professor hiding things. He sighed dejectedly, for he was beginning to suspect that he would never find the golden fruit. To make matters worse, he hadn’t bothered to watch where he was going, and therefore had no idea how to escape from the unfamiliar corridor.  
  
As he moved past the wall for a third time, a door appeared out of nowhere. Thanks to his photographic memory, Shawn knew that it wasn’t there before. Curious, he grasped the handle and pulled it open. His jaw dropped as he gazed upon the room’s contents, although it quickly formed into a smile. Suddenly, he no longer cared if he would ever find his way back to well-known areas of the castle. After all, he had just found a room filled with a seemingly endless supply of pineapple.


	64. 11. Memory

"Hurry up, Gus! You need to see this." Shawn was happily skipping along the corridors, dragging his reluctant friend behind him.  
  
"For the last time, Shawn, slow down. I'm going to get shin splints at this rate." Truthfully, Gus was more worried about what could possibly interest his friend this much than any conceivable harm to his person.  
  
Ignoring the salesman's protests, the psychic quickly rounded a corner, yanking on Gus' arm as he did so. He came to a sudden halt. Those paintings were familiar, as well as the strange dent in the wall (It was rumored that Peeves had scared a first year some years ago and sent the poor kid running headfirst into the stonework). "We're here!" he chirped.  
  
Gus was unimpressed. "You dragged me halfway across the castle to see a wall?"  
  
"Not just any wall," the psychic replied with a roll of his eyes. "First of all, there's a mysterious dent in this one. See?" He gave a vague gesture to the slight imperfection.  
  
"Secondly?" Gus prompted, not bothering to check for the damage.  
  
"'Secondly,' there used to be a door here."  
  
"Well it's not here now. Can I go?"  
  
Shawn merely closed his eyes and brought his hand up to his temple. He tilted his head slightly as he tried to remember the circumstances of the last visit. He remembered frustration, hunger, and pacing. He tilted his head in the other direction. He had paced three times before the door had appeared. His eyes snapped open and he gleefully instructed his friend to begin walking back and forth.  
  
"I could be using this time to read that comic Ron lent me," Gus grumbled under his breath as he obeyed. In fact, he was so absorbed in his mutterings that he almost didn't notice the door materialize on his third trip around. He halted mid-step, balancing precariously on one foot while the other hung in the air before him.  
  
Upon hearing Shawn's excited squeal, he cautiously made his way to the door and pulled it open. After a few moments of staring agog at the room's interior, he let out a most Shawn-like squeak. Behind him, he could hear Shawn dejectedly wonder where all the pineapple had gone. However, Gus didn't care; he was too amazed at the plethora of comics before him.


	65. 53. Keeping a Secret

For once, Gus thought that Shawn would behave himself in divination. He should have known better. Since the beginning of class, the psychic had been peering intensely into his crystal ball, occasionally making noises of agreement. The salesman had tried to ask him about the strange behavior, but had merely been shushed. Now, slumping dejectedly in his squishy chair, he watched his friend's behavior get even stranger.  
  
Shawn stared at the ball in confusion. He tilted his head to the side before his eyes grew wide with comically exaggerated surprise. He turned his head to stare agape at Professor Trelawney for a few moments. However, her attention was occupied by fussing over another student. Shawn frowned and slammed his hand on the table. As she turned his way to determine the source of the noise, he resumed his horrified expression, this time looking back and forth between the ball and the teacher.  
  
Gus raised an eyebrow in interest as Trelawney fluttered over to their table. "What is it you see, Mr. Spencer?" She sounded justifiably irritated.  
  
Shawn, eyes still wide, replied, "Something bad."  
  
The professor peered closer in interest. "What's bad?"  
  
"I can't tell you."  
  
Trelawney blinked. "Of course you can."  
  
"No, I can't."  
  
"Why not?"  
  
Shawn gave a dramatic pause before answering. "I promised the spirits I'd keep it a secret. You wouldn't want me to break a promise, would you?"  
  
Across the table, Gus rolled his eyes. Something told him that his friend would be receiving yet another detention.


	66. 70. 67%

Gus ducked as Shawn's wand waved dangerously close to his head. "Watch it!" he barked, elbowing his friend in the side. "You could put my eye out with that thing."  
  
Shawn continued twirling his wand haphazardly in the air. "I'm trying to get this wand movement right," he replied. By this time, both chicks on the table were inching their way toward safety.  
  
The salesman snorted and grabbed his bird. A simple tap of his wand on the downy creature and it transformed into a turtle. He set the confused reptile down on the table before turning to his friend. "That's far too elaborate. All you need is a tap."  
  
"Where's the fun in that?" Shawn replied with a roll of his eyes. He whirled his wand in intricate designs, twirled it through his fingers, and gave the remaining chick an anti-climactic poke. For a moment nothing happened. Then, before either pair of eyes could register what was happening, in its place stood a miniature velociraptor.  
  
Everyone blinked for a moment. "Well," Shawn commented after a moment, "I got it sixty-seven percent right."


	67. 10. Breathe Again

Gus sighed. Of course Shawn had to find out about the properties of gillyweed. Of course he had to filch some from Snape in order to test it himself. He sighed again as he watched his friend try and chew the rubbery plant.  
  
It took several exaggerated chews and a facial expression like he was trying to devour a tire, but after a moment he managed to swallow it. The psychic paused for a moment to mourn his aching jaw. Suddenly the gills formed and Shawn was gasping for breath.   
  
Gus watched with an unconcerned expression. He took a second to eye the lake barely half a foot from the duo before pushing Shawn in. The psychic splashed wildly for a moment before realizing the he could, in fact, breathe. The salesman sighed a third time and prepared himself for an hour long wait.


	68. 100. Relaxation

            Usually, Shawn’s idea of a relaxing time did not involve reading a book. So when Gus found him curled up on his bed, thoroughly absorbed in the text in front of him, the salesman was understandably confused.

 

                “What are you reading?” Gus asked, trying not to appear too interested.

 

                Shawn took a moment to turn the page before replying, “Charm Your Own Cheese.” He tilted his head to the side as the book explained how to create hole-less Swiss.

 

                Gus nodded his head in understanding. Satisfied at the answer, he clambered onto his own bed and pulled out a copy of Broken Balls: When Fortunes Turn Foul. Within minutes, both men were fully immersed in their books.


	69. 4. Dark

The first thing Gus noticed when he woke up was the complete and utter darkness surrounding him. The second was the glowing hands of his watch, informing him that it was currently three forty-two in the morning. With a groan, he turned over to try and fall back asleep.  
  
It was then that he heard the muttered argument. One voice was clearly Shawn’s. He appeared to be trying to coax someone into leaving the psychic’s piles of half-used parchment strewn about the dorm floor. He claimed that it helped set the mood when he was working on particularly frustrating essays.  
  
A high-pitched, squeaky voice replied that picking up the parchment was his job and that Shawn wasn’t his master.  
  
Confused, Gus quickly grabbed his wand from the nightstand, cast Lumos, and threw open the curtains around his bed. He was met with the sight of his best friend and a house elf playing tug-of-war with a stack of papers. As one, the fighting duo turned to face the salesman. Gus watched their blinking eyes in the dim light for a moment before deciding to just go back to bed. “Nox,” he murmured, and the room went dark once more.


	70. 15. Silence

When Juliet went into work that day, she had not been expecting an owl to swoop towards her desk from who knows where, dropping a scarlet envelope on the hard surface. Carlton, a few desks away, took one look at the owl and began muttering about “troublesome psychics.” The female detective was about to ask him what in the world he was talking about when the envelope began smoking from the corners.   
  
Before she could do anything, the letter exploded and Shawn’s voice rang out through the entire station, loudly declaring his love for Jules and asking her to go out with him. “Not now, of course,” his voice boomed, “After all, I’m kind of stuck at a magic school at the moment.”  
  
Without warning, Gus’ voice added to the cacophony. “The magical world is supposed to be a secret, you moron.” Following this was the unmistakable sound of a scuffle. After a few moments of this, the sounds died out, leaving only sweet, sweet silence.


	71. 60. Rejection

              It was the fifth day since Shawn had sent off the love howler, and his unparalleled interest in the morning mail arrival was starting to grate on Gus’ nerves. “The poor owl has to get all the way to California and back,” the salesman told his friend as the latter stared impatiently at the windows of the Great Hall. “It probably hasn’t had enough time to even deliver the letter yet.”

                Shawn pouted and swallowed his mouthful of toast. “But they’re magic, Gus. The owls are magical.”

                Gus opened his mouth to respond, but was interrupted by the arrival of a flock of owls. One swooped over the psychic and dropped a letter into a nearby jar of marmalade. Shawn let out a loud whoop of joy and retrieved the envelope, tearing it open in the process. Gus leaned over toward his best friend to read the response.

_Dear Shawn,_

_No._

_Love,_

_Juliet_  

Shawn let out a cry of dismay. Gus shrugged and buttered his muffin.


	72. 5. Seeking Solace

One of the duties of being best friends is the ability to understand one another without the use of words. Therefore, when Shawn, sulking over his latest rejection from Juliet, flopped down in the chair next to the salesman, Gus knew just what he meant. “I think she was perfectly justified,” he commented.  
  
Shawn’s right arm twitched.  
  
“You sent her your love note in the form of a howler.”  
  
The psychic’s legs crossed.  
  
“’So?’ How did you think she’d react? Do you have any idea how embarrassing that must have been?”  
  
Shawn’s shoulders slumped.  
  
“Just tone it down next time. I’m sure she’s not completely repulsed by you.”  
  
Shawn started to adjust the position of his left foot before thinking better of it. Instead, he laid his right arm across his waist.  
  
“What? Hey! Shawn!”


	73. 69. Annoyance

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The first spell contained herein is actually used in Harry Potter. The counter-charm however, is my own invention, as are both the incantations.

It was an early Saturday morning when Shawn, determined to find a way to show his house spirit, began experimenting with various charms. Gus had abandoned him in the common room, so the psychic was left to his own devices.   
  
He flipped his Charms textbook to a random page near the center. Without reading the spell’s description, he waved his wand and declared, “Rutilus orbis.” Immediately, golden bubbles started to burst from his wand and float through the air. Shawn grinned with glee. He poked one floating before him, amazed at how they didn’t pop at his touch.  
  
His excitement, however, soon faded as the indestructible bubbles continued to issue from his wand. Within minutes, the golden orbs had filled a large portion of the common room. Shawn quickly grabbed his wand and shouted out, “Desino orbis.” The wand stopped emitting bubbles, but the balls still covered a substantial area. He sighed. Gus was going to kill him.  
  
At that moment, the Fat Lady’s portrait swung open and a few floated out into the corridor. Gus took one look at the golden mess before muttering, “I can’t leave you alone for five minutes, can I?”  
  
Shawn responded with a sheepish grin.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Definitions  
> Rutilus- Golden  
> Orbis- Orb  
> Desino- Stop


	74. 71. Obsession

It was gloaming when Shawn entered the common room, dripping water and aquatic plants. The cool air made him shiver, but it didn’t disrupt the euphoric expression on his face.   
  
Gus looked up from his potions essay. He eyed his friend as he turned out his pockets, dislodging several small fish, wriggling in desperate need of air. “What happened?” he asked, casually pouring a glass of water for the diminutive creatures. “Did you finally get to ride a dolphin, or something?”  
  
Shawn, having previously scooped up the fish, casually dropped them in the proffered liquid. “Or something,” he replied. He paused for a moment, taking off his shoes and setting them by the fire. “For future reference, kelpies don’t like it when you play cowboy.” With those words, the psychic trudged up the stairs to his room, eagerly looking forward to a hot shower.


	75. 20. Fortitude

Shawn stood defiantly, puffing out his chest in a primal attempt to look more intimidating and manly. He tried not to be distracted by the sickeningly cute pictures of kittens adorning the walls and instead focused on the professor in front of him.  
  
Dolores Umbridge sat primly behind her desk, adjusting her ferociously pink cardigan. After a few moments, she turned her gaze to the psychic. “Talking back to your professors, Mr. Spencer? I’m afraid that cannot go unpunished.” Her eyes glinted maliciously at him from across the wooden surface.  
  
“’Professor,’” Shawn corrected, “Singular. I only talked back to you.” He paused for a moment in thought. “Well,” he continued, “There was also Snape, I suppose, but he hardly counts. He knows my belligerence is my way of showing him affection. Platonically, of course. He doesn’t mind it. Really.”  
  
One cat portrait in the corner mewed in disbelief, but both humans ignored it. Instead, the psychic leveled the woman with his best “Do your worst” expression. “However, I hold no such affection for you.” It really didn’t matter what punishment she gave him; he could handle it.  
  
“Oh, really?” the professor questioned, a smirk forming on the edges of her lips. “Well, I suppose the best punishment would be deprivation. Henceforth, you are banned from consuming pineapple, and any substance derived from the aforementioned fruit.”  
  
Suddenly, Shawn didn’t think he could go on much longer.


	76. 28. Sorrow

It was with a heavy heart that Shawn trudged back to the common room. He shuddered, his previous courage having failed when Umbridge uttered those terrible words. A ban on pineapple? That woman was more evil than he had previously thought. He now knew how Harry felt, although quidditch was nowhere near as amazing as the tropical fruit.  
  
He murmured the password so softly that the Fat Lady had to strain to hear him, Nonetheless, her portrait swung open to allow him access. Ignoring all the other students, he slumped up the stairs to his room. If only he could find a way to get that precious fruit. You’d think being in a magic school would be of some use in this area. He paused in his steps as an idea formed in his mind. This would be fun.


	77. 79. Starvation

Gus was getting concerned about Shawn. He had missed every meal this week, and in the evenings he hadn’t returned to the common room until far past curfew. Truth be told, he was worried that the pineapple ban was affecting his friend.   
  
He sighed, thinking over his options. Becoming a pineapple smuggler was a little farther from the rules than he was comfortable with, even if it was for his best friend. Likewise, convincing Umbridge to commute the sentence was off the table. That left him with only one course of action; he was going to have to follow the psychic, no matter where his journey may lead.


	78. 98. Puzzle

Gus crouched near the ground, using the compact mirror he had borrowed from Parvati to glimpse around the corner. Shawn was heading toward the transfiguration classroom. Carefully, he looked around to make sure no one saw him before slipping the mirror into his pocket and standing up. It was bad enough when he had approached a gaggle of girls to request the mirror. No one who didn’t already know had to see him carrying around the copiously bejeweled accessory.  
  
Taking a deep breath and attempting to look nonchalant, he strolled down the hallway, prepared to discover his friend going through withdrawal, no matter what form it took.


	79. 64. Multitasking

Gus pressed his ear to the closed door of the transfiguration classroom. Only a few muffled words could be heard through the heavy wooden door. He sighed and slowly opened the door enough to see in. Professor McGonagall and Shawn stood on opposite sides of a desk. Their wands were out and a watermelon lay on the surface between them.   
  
“Now remember, Mr. Spencer,” McGonagall said as she watched Shawn practice his wand movements, “it’s easiest to permanently transfigure an object into something similar. Go ahead and give it a try.”  
  
Shawn immediately complied and transformed the melon into a large pineapple. With a nod, the professor turned a spare quill into a pineapple knife. A she sliced the forbidden fruit and handed a piece to the psychic, she commented that his Transfiguration tutoring was progressing well, but he should probably come back tomorrow evening for further lessons.  
  
Gus slowly closed the door and made his way back to the common room, amazing at his friend’s ability to multitask.


	80. 19. Gray

Shawn sighed in boredom. If only something interesting would happen! Dispassionately, he gazed out the window of the common room. On the quidditch pitch, one of Ravenclaw’s reserve players managed to fly into a pole. Near the lake, Fred and George had trapped a few unsuspecting first years in a portable swamp. From out of the forest, an injured centaur was limping toward the castle.   
  
A sudden moment caught his attention and he shifted his gaze to the line of trees edging the forest. A few Gryffindor’s were playing a game of tag with the Whomping Willow; the tree was most definitely winning.  
  
He sighed despondently once more. Nothing was the least bit interesting.


	81. 92. All That I Have

Ode to the Toad

By Shawn Spencer

 

As I pass you in the halls,

Musing upon things to think,

I can’t help but be appalled

By that horrendous shade of pink

That covers you from head to toe.

It’s really not your color, see?

Did no one ever tell you so?

Your color’s green. I guarantee.

In all my life (all thirty years)

I can honestly suppose

Despite the sayings of my peers

I’ve never seen pink-colored toads.

Go green, I say. It suits you best,

With all the meanings it entails:

Evil, mold, and all the rest.

Panes of glass with slimy trails

Show off the best your toady face.

Would you like some tasty flies?

Maybe with some Herb of Grace?

Each time you smile, a kitten dies.

That must be why you do collect

All those ghastly mewing plates;

A kindly image you project.

Alas! We know the felines’ fates.

Each time we meet, Anuran Girl,

It takes all I have just not to hurl.


	82. 76. Broken Pieces

“Apparition lessons?” Gus gazed doubtfully at the notice on the bulletin board. Ron looked up from his chess game to explain. Ginny used the opportunity to move a few pieces into different positions, keeping the little figures silent with the promise of adding velvet lining to their case.  
  
“It’s a way to travel,” Ron said, oblivious to his sister’s cheating. “You just concentrate on your destination, turn on your heel, and you’re there.” He absently ordered his knight to move, watching as it smashed Ginny’s bishop.  
  
Gus frowned. “That sounds easy.”  
  
The fifth year shrugged. “It’s harder than it sounds. You can splinch yourself pretty badly if you’re not careful.”  
  
The sales man was silent for a few moments as Ron’s knight smote his sister’s queen. “What does ‘splinch’ mean?” he asked apprehensively.  
  
“It means you leave part of your body behind. “  
  
Gus paled and backed away from the notice, as if that action could prevent the loss of body parts. “I think I’ll stick with muggle transportation.”  
  
Ron simply shrugged, turned to his sister, and declared, “Checkmate.”


	83. 13. Misfortune

It was a very bored Shawn that wandered through the corridors of the third floor. Gus had decided that studying for Arithmancy was more important than entertaining his best friend and had therefore insisted that the psychic not follow him into the library and instead find something else to occupy him. This had led to Shawn wandering the castle, looking for something unusual (at least, in terms of Hogwarts).  
  
Shawn was dragged out of his moping when he tripped over a lump in a conspicuously placed area rug. Barely catching himself from falling, his foot managed to move the rug a few inches. The bump, however, did not move with the textile. Curious, he poked it. The protrusion was hard and gave off a particularly metallic sound. Fully removing the rug, he discovered a trapdoor.  
  
Shawn stared at the door for a few moments. A large metal ring emerged from the top for the purpose of opening it. The wood had curious water stains in places, and, caught between a few planks, was what appeared to be some sort of black animal hair.  
  
The psychic took a moment to scan the surrounding corridor for witnesses. Seeing no one, he grabbed the metal loop and wrenched the door open. With a bolstering breath, he jumped into the darkness below.


	84. 77. Test

Shawn landed on something crunchy. A quick perusal with his palm revealed it to be some sort of dried plant matter. Lighting his wand to get a better look, Shawn saw that the plant, whatever it had been in life, had large pieces spread out quite a distance. Either someone else had been down here since the plant died, or it had been torn apart in life.   
  
Distantly, Shawn heard the flutter of wings. Casting one last glance at the decimated vegetation, he followed the sound.   
  
Whatever he had been expecting, it was certainly not this. Hundreds of keys flew through the air, flapping their little wings in and around an open doorway; a closer inspection revealed that the door had been blasted off its hinges. The enchantments had worn off of some keys, and they lay unmoving on the ground, wings curled around them as if to provide a last bit of protection. In the corner, a trio of brooms leaned in disrepair. Stepping carefully, the psychic made his way to the next room.  
  
This room was littered with the aftermath of wizard’s chess. Rubble was strewn across the giant board; only a few pieces were still whole. Progressing once more, Shawn tried not to notice the trail of blood leading to one side of the board.  
  
The next chamber was empty, save from a lingering stench. The room after, however, was far more interesting. As soon as he stepped through the doorway, both entrances to the room gave off a sudden flare of heat which dissipated after a second. A tattered piece of parchment lay at the base of a table. The dusty surface was covered with a hodgepodge collection of bottles containing various liquids.   
  
Shawn took a moment to look before he moved to the final room.


	85. 29. Happiness

Stray strips of decrepit cloth littered the ground and a foul odor, like rotting garlic, lingered in the air. A thick layer of dust coated the floor. Glancing around, Shawn noticed a full length mirror dominating the room. Stepping up to it, he gazed at the inscription along the top. It only took a moment for him to decode the phrase and the result made his brows rise. Through the dusty surface, he noticed, in addition to his own reflection, a number of images flashing and disappearing. Finally, the picture in the mirror seemed to settle. Curious, he wiped off the dust with the hem of his robe.  
  
He took a long moment to study the familiar people in the reflection, noting what changed and what stayed the same. He took a few steps backward, turned around, and made his way out of the chamber. If anyone asked what he saw, he decided, he would tell them that he was an Olympic dolphin rider.


	86. 26. Tears

             It was a thump and muffled curse that had Gus looking to the door of the dorm. Shawn was sprawled uncomfortably on the ground, crying uncontrollably. At the look on his face, Gus sighed. “What did you do this time?”

 

                The psychic rubbed at his face, trying to scrub away the tears that just kept coming. “Those Slytherins jinxed me or something.”

 

                Gus rolled his eyes. “Well, maybe if you’d stop insulting them at every opportunity, they wouldn’t keep cursing you.”

 

                “All I did was say they weren’t as cultured as they think they are.”

 

                The salesman murmured the counter to the crying jinx and gave his now standing friend a stern look. “Watching The Breakfast Club does not make people cultured.”

 

                Shawn huffed and wiped away the remaining wetness on his face. “Does the phrase ‘pop culture’ mean nothing to you?” With that, the psychic stalked out, presumably to extract his revenge. Gus sighed once more and reached for his book of counter jinxes. Something told him he’d need it soon enough.


	87. 45. Illusion

There were certain people in the world who encouraged Shawn’s madness. Unfortunately, Luna Lovegood was one of them. They had quite literally run into each other one day in a corridor, sending a copy of the Quibbler flying. As he had been getting to his feet, an article in the open magazine had caught Shawn’s eye. In the next half hour, the psychic had not only determined that the Ravenclaw had a questionable grasp on reality, but that humoring her would be a great deal of fun.  
  
A week later, students arriving in the Great Hall for breakfast found a great portion of the Ravenclaw table covered with a marzipan model of Azkaban. Sitting around the sculpted sweet, Shawn and Luna were busy recreating Stubby Boardman’s famous escape, using bacon for the dementors and slices of toast for the wrinkle-horned snorkacks, not to be confused with their crumple-horned cousins. Most of the students stared at the duo in confusion. Gus merely reached for the coffee.


	88. 40. Rated

Gus stared at his friend incredulously. “Really?”  
  
Shawn stared back. “The whole concept is overrated. They don’t exist.”  
  
“But what about Nick?” The salesman took a moment to flail his arm in the general direction of the Gryffindor ghost. “You can make pigs fly, but you still don’t believe in ghosts? There’s one right there.”  
  
The psychic rolled his eyes. “Obviously he’s fake. I’ll prove it to you.” With that, Shawn marched over to Nick. “I disbelieve,” he claimed decisively upon receiving the ghost’s attention.  
  
Sir Nicholas de Mimsy-Porpington had only a few moments to express his confusion before Peeves barreled into him, cackling in impish glee. There was the squelching sound of wet flesh separating and the ghost’s head fell onto his shoulders, connected to his neck by a thin piece of skin.  
  
Shawn and Gus screamed.


	89. 96. In the Storm

As with every school, when cold season hit it blew through the population like a set of dominoes. All it took was one sick student and the rest would fall. Fortunately, the wizarding school had a weapon that most schools in world did not have: pepper-up potion, a cure for the common cold.   
  
This was why Shawn and Gus found themselves in the hospital wing, the wind from the storm outside rattling the windows. The salesman was sitting on a chair, bundled up against the draft and holding a box of tissues out to his friend on the bed next to him. Shawn, with drooping eyelids and a red nose, had only found sufficient warmth when he draped a heavy comforter across his shoulders. Breathing through his mouth, the psychic considered just going to sleep.  
  
It didn’t take long for Madame Pomfrey to bring him the correct dosage of the potion. With a grimace, he sluggishly swallowed it down. Within moments, steam started pouring from his ears. Lightning flashed ominously outside and Shawn broke out in lime green spots.  
  
“Oh no,” the witch said.  
  
Gus glanced between the doctor and her patient. “What’s wrong?”  
  
“It appears that Mr. Spencer is allergic to Pepper Up.”  
  
Shawn absently scratched at a spot on his arm and sneezed.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Someone's got to be allergic to potions, right?


	90. 7. Heaven

Somehow, Gus mused, Shawn had found out about the D.A. It wasn’t much of a surprise; after all, the psychic was used to playing detective and the teenagers weren’t very sneaky. Still, the pharmaceutical representative didn’t expect his friend’s reaction.  
  
Instead of demanding to join the glorified dueling club, Shawn instigated Operation Heaven (Helping Evade a Very Evil Nuisance). He and his associates, namely Peeves, claimed that their goal was to aid the D.A. members in reaching their meetings without being detected by Umbridge. In practice, this meant that Shawn and the poltergeist wreaked havoc throughout the castle.   
  
Dodging a water balloon which was most certainly not containing water, Gus wondered how long it would take for the Weasley twins to become involved.


	91. 32. Night

Hermione blinked as Gus sat down next to her at breakfast. His expression was one of both exasperation and terror. “Shawn and I have come to a disagreement,” he announced.  
  
She raised an eyebrow in question. “About what?”  
  
“Do werewolves exist?”  
  
“Of course they do,” she responded. “Two years ago our defense professor was one.”  
  
He shifted uncomfortably. “Are they dangerous? On the full moon, I mean.”  
  
“Without the wolfsbane potion? Yes. With it? Only if they’re dangerous in their human states.”  
  
He nodded slowly. “Wolfsbane is the main ingredient in that potion because it’s known to repel werewolves, right?”  
  
She replied in the affirmative and the two parted ways.   
  
On the next full moon, when she overheard Professor Sprout complain about a large amount of missing aconite, she carefully refrained from mentioning Shawn and Gus’ new monkshood necklaces.


	92. 93. Give Up

Gus focused on his new pet, determinedly resisting his friend’s whining. “Give up, Shawn. You have the chicken. I get the dinosaur.”  
  
“But raptors are so much cooler than poultry!”  
  
Lieutenant Guster III gave an indignant squawk from his position on Shawn’s end table.  
  
“You could at least give him a better name,” the psychic continued, “I mean, ‘Gobi?’”  
  
“She,” Gus emphasized, “is named after the location where the first known velociraptor fossil was discovered.”  
  
There was a pause before Shawn spoke up once more. “I think you should name her Skippy.”  
  
“No.”  
  
“Why not?”  
  
“Because you got to name the last dinosaur.”  
  
The lieutenant ruffled his feathers in irritation. After a moment, Gobi did the same. It was the beginning of a long and beautiful friendship.


	93. 99. Solitude

Lassiter was, for once, grateful for the strangeness that followed Spencer like a lost puppy. After all, it was the strangeness that had whisked the psychic away to some obscure area of Scotland for an indeterminate amount of time. Therefore, he had that same strangeness to thank for the solitude he now enjoyed. With no ridiculous visions or shouts of “Lassie” to distract him, he could finally relax. He took careful aim at the target on the other side of the range and pulled the trigger. The bullet sank easily into the printed figure’s abdomen. He sighed. If only the solitude could last.


	94. 16. Questioning

“Shawn?” The question was hissed out in the dark dormitory, barely a whisper.  
  
“Yes, Gus?” The reply was more of a stage whisper.  
  
“When do you think we’ll be able to go home?”  
  
“I don’t know.”  
  
“Do you think Dumbledore’s working on a way?”  
  
The sounds of Shawn shifting in his sheets were startlingly loud in the silence. “I’m sure he will. Right after he finishes helping Bigfoot campaign for Governor of Magical California.”  
  
A pause. “Are you being sarcastic, or have you just been hanging out with Luna again?”  
  
“You mean you don’t think it would be cool to have a famous mythical creature represent our state’s magical population? I even came up with a campaign slogan for him. ‘Big feet. Big heart. Big change.’”  
  
“So it’s a little bit of both then.”  
  
“Pretty much.”


	95. 55. Waiting

Dumbledore’s office was filled with things. To be more specific, it was filled with shiny, moving things that only served to excite Shawn. Gus, knowing his friend far better than he wished to, decided that the wisest course of action was to let the other man occupy himself. And if he broke something, a well-executed reparo could fix it.  
  
Not as eager to play with the headmaster’s knickknacks, the salesman instead took to watching the portraits. He absently wondered how the subjects could possible fall asleep when they had a view of a room this busy.   
  
Suddenly, the door swung open and a particularly shiny object fell from Shawn’s hands and cracked on the floor. The psychic, despite being caught red-handed, still attempted to feign innocence.  
  
“Sorry to keep you waiting,” Dumbledore said from the doorway. The amused twinkle in his eyes flashed madly.


	96. 94. Last Hope

Dumbledore’s eyes gleamed less brightly than usual as he stared at the two Americans on the other side of his desk.  
  
Shawn helped himself to a lemon drop and stared back at the headmaster with unusual attention. “You’re sure that’s the only way?”  
  
The old man nodded. “If only the spell you used hadn’t attached you to the grounds, this could have been cleared up long ago. This ritual is your last hope.”  
  
Clearing his throat, Gus finally managed a question. “What happens if it doesn’t work?”  
  
“Then, I’m afraid, you would be forced to stay here forever.”  
  
The psychic tilted his head to the side in thought for a moment before shrugging his shoulders and ingesting another candy. “I’d be fine with that.”  
  
If and when they got home, Gus decided, he was going to burn that stupid spell book that started all this.


	97. 90. Triangle

Shawn stared at the runic array covering the ground of the previously unused classroom. It was laid out to correspond with three focal points. He thought that maybe Professor Dumbledore had explained the significance, but the psychic hadn’t been paying attention. He’d have to ask Gus later.  
  
The headmaster indicated that the two Americans should stand in the center of the large triangle. Stepping carefully so as not to smear any of the markings, they obeyed, carrying their possessions with them. In the corner of the room, Professor Flitwick began to murmur an incantation.   
  
Gradually, a buzzing began to make itself heard, growing louder and louder with each phrase of Latin. When the incantation had finished, the sound was deafening. Quickly, the runes on the floor flashed fuchsia. Shawn and Gus were gone.


	98. 46. Family

No matter how old either was or where in the world they were, Shawn never failed to find some way of surprising his father. One would think that, after having been missing for several months, the fake psychic would have had a more normal reaction to being home once more. One would quickly be proven wrong. After all, Shawn could never quite manage to pull off “normal.”   
  
Knowing this, Henry really shouldn’t have been surprised when his son barged into his house out of the blue, shoved a rather rumpled looking bird into his arms, and instructed the ex-cop to “meet your grand-chicken.”


	99. 33. Expectations

“Wait,” Juliet said, setting her coffee down on her desk. “You mean to tell me that there’s an evil wizard out there who somehow managed to come back from the dead and would kill me just because I’m not magical?”  
  
Shawn nodded his head sagely as he spun around in one of the numerous desk chairs that occupied the station. “You-Know-Who is a total hater.”  
  
“I don’t think I do.”  
  
“You don’t what?”  
  
“Know.”  
  
“Know what?”  
  
“Who.”  
  
“What?”  
  
“I don’t know who.”  
  
“‘You-Know-Who.’”  
  
Juliet huffed. “I’m telling you, I don’t know.”  
  
Shawn flailed his arms a little in an effort to get his point across. “It’s ‘You-Know-Who.’”  
  
“No. YOU know who.”  
  
“Exactly.”  
  
At his desk, Lassiter silently contemplated whether insanity or self-defense would be a better excuse to use when he finally snapped and shot Spencer.


	100. 12. Insanity

Lassiter wearily made his way through the crowded bar to a table in the corner. He fell into his chair and managed to grunt a greeting to the man sitting across the table from him before signaling the waitress for a scotch. Both men were silent as the drink was brought, and Carlton downed the alcohol in one gulp. He frowned, wrinkling his nose. It would take far more than a single drink to wash away the stress that seemed to pop up whenever Spencer had been around.  
  
As if reading his mind (truthfully, Lassiter wouldn’t be surprised if the other man actually could), Snape took a silver flask out of his pocket and poured the contents into the detective’s empty glass. “It’s firewhiskey,” the professor explained. “It’s much stronger, and a much more effective treatment for dealing with idiots and their antics.”  
  
Carlton nodded. “I still can’t believe you actually had Spencer as a student. You poor bastard.”  
  
Severus snorted and poured himself a shot. “I believe you are the ‘poor bastard’ here. At least I didn’t have to treat him as a colleague.”  
  
Raising his glass to his lips, the detective spoke once more. “You don’t have staplers where you’re from do you? You wouldn’t believe what I’ve caught that idiot trying to staple together.”  
  
“And you,” the professor intoned, “wouldn’t believe what he tried to accomplish with a woodchuck, a peach, and a tickling hex.”


End file.
